The World is Overwhelming
The world is overwhelming.
I often feel as if things are too much for me to handle. It’s not even the idea that my life is full of many negatives that bring down my ability to navigate day-to-day processes. My brain feels very full most of the time with the endless ideas and ambitions I have for life: projects, travels, gifts, opinions, things I can purchase to give my cat more enrichment. These are things I want, but they make me feel like I can’t have a moment without my mind feeling like it’s expanding from the growing volume of thoughts in my head.
There’s so many projects that I wanted to or want to make, varying in size. I’ve come to learn that some ideas don’t really click and get made until its time has come to mature and manifest in the world. But it simultaneously frustrates me that it feels like it takes a month for me to make something that feels like I want to remotely share it. The desire to create and the struggle to actually create, whether that be a lack of motivation or a lack of feeling bound here, overwhelms me.
In the last year, I’ve become someone who has come to resent technology. I say this knowing that the person I am right now couldn’t survive a world predating many of the essentials that make life easier for us living in the year 2024. However, technology only seems to be pushing me more to my limits much like my thoughts are these days. I’m overwhelmed when I look at my phone. Why do all of these apps that I barely use send me so many notifications consistently? Opening my phone feels like I’m opening my email, and am ambushed with too much information constantly.
Even messages from my friends and people I care about or want to deepen a connection with are too much for me. Seeing these messages pile up makes me feel like it’s too much to handle the necessity that is human connection. I know this element is one of life’s greatest gifts that give us the feeling of having lived a good life at the end of our days, but being alone sometimes feels so much easier. I sometimes worry that my roommates are tired of me or don’t wish to be in my life, but I’ve never been given a sign that this is the case (at least I hope not). They’re two of the most important people in my life, but I subject myself to isolation. One of my last friends from my childhood lives five minutes down the road from me and I’m lucky to have him still with me after the things we’ve been through. But still, I find it too much to barely answer a text in less than twelve hours at times.
The world is overwhelming.
So many regrets and missed opportunities or connections, all brought about by my own actions. Maybe it isn’t the world that overwhelms me, but maybe its my inability to navigate my world around me. I sometimes feel like would’ve been happier to live in a time like the 1970s or 1980s, but I know this only takes away from the moment now and invalidates any chance of being present.
I am a capable, creative, imaginative person and my mind is the source of so many things that I want to create and share with the world. But I find that this state of being overwhelmed blocks me from growing.